The Book of Stamps: Written unto the Dead Letter Writers

Chapter 1:
1) In the beginning was the mailbox, and the mailbox was void of letters.
2) And the missionaries said, Let the mailbox be filled, and the box was not filled.
3) And the missionaries beheld the continuing void, and were not pleased.
4) And lo it was the first day of the week and there was no mail delivered; but though this was tolerated, yet this was not good.
5) But on the second day was the mail delivered, yet the box remained empty.
6) Yea, even from the second day unto the seventh was the mail delivered.
7) Even so, the box retained its void.
8) And yea, great mists of darkness spread forth from the void and enshrouded the missionaries.  Yea, and it did bring much sadness to their otherwise cheery days.
9) Even the long hours of fruitless tracting, being chased by the fouls of the air, and being pursued by the beasts of the filed were not as disheartening as the lack of sacred objects known as letters.
10) Yet they persisted.

Chapter 2:
1) And lo, on the second day of the second week the mists still encircled the sacred box.
2) And on the third day, from within the depths of the void was a single post card.
3) And this postcard put forth a single ray of light which pierced the darkness and overcame the mists.
4) And the missionaries were well pleased, and there was much rejoicing.
5) But lo, their joy was not to last, for the mailbeast had made a mistake, and the postcard was verily for someone else.
6) But if their joy had been so exceedingly great over someone else's mail, how great would be their joy at partaking at their own mail?

Chapter 3:
1) And we give unto you the parable of the two letter writers.
2) At the hour of noon a certain scribe sat down to write a letter.
3) And the scribe did think of many things to write, but lo, he spent so much time thinking that he did not write.
4) Nevertheless he felt good because of his good intentions.
5) Yet at the same hour a publican sat down and wrote a few words as he ate.
6) Yet he felt guilty at not writing enough.
7) And lo, the twenty and four months passed, and the missionary returned home and passed by the scribe's house;
8) Yea, he went even unto the house of the publican and did visit the publican.
9) Verily a letter is like unto a prize in a Cheerios box; the which if a man sees it is there, he selleth all that he has that he may buy a case of Cheerios that he may obtain it.

Chapter 4:
1) Even more blessed than a missionary receiving mail is a friend or relative writing letters.
2) And if you should spend five minutes writing one letter to a missionary, how great shall be your joy?
3) And if your joy be great with one letter, how great shall it be with many letters in the mailbox of a missionary?
4) Else why do they build post office boxes if letters are not written at all? Yea, why do they build post office boxes?
5) Yea, though I speak with the tongue of men and angels, and write not letters, I am nothing.
6) Letters never faileth; but if there be good thoughts they surely shall; where there be unsent mail they shall vanish.
7) When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: But when I became a missionary I put away my childish things.
8) Even as I have put away my childish things ye must replace them with unchildish mail.
9) And now abideth thoughts, intentions, mail; these three. But the greatest of these is mail.
10) Yea, if thou loves me, write me letters.

Chapter 5:
1) But some will say, A letter! A letter! We have already written a letter! What need have we to write anymore letters?
2) Know ye not that there are more days than one? And more events than one in a day?  Why think yet that these events need not to be reported?
3) Yea, and ye need not worry that your letter will go unanswered;
4) But you should say, I will go and write the letter as that a missionary requests.  For I know that he giveth no requests except he be prepared to respond.
5) And we give the parable of the self-addressed stamped envelopes.
6) When the missionary departed into the far off land he gave a certain number of self-addressed stamped envelopes to his friends.
7) Unto one he gave five; unto another he gave two; and unto another he gave one.
8) And while he was gone he that was given the five envelopes wrote five letters, and in his zeal wrote he five letters more.
9) The same with him that had two envelopes; he wrote two letters and then two letters more.
10) But he that was given the one self-addressed stamped envelope became slothful and careless.  And he lost the envelope, even that which was  given him.
11) And when the missionary came home he went unto all his friends. And he that had written 10 letters was warmly greeted.
12) The same with him that had written four.
13) But he that had written none at all was given nothing more than a fishy-grip like handshake.

Chapter 6:
1) And it has been said: Blessed are the letter writers for they shall receive mail in return.
2) Blessed are they that keep in touch with a missionary for they shall know of all that happens to him.
3) Yea and your letters are the light of a missionary's day.
4) A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.
5) Neither do men write letters and put them in a desk, but in an envelope that it giveth light unto all that are around the missionary.
6) Let your letters be so read by missionaries that they may see your good works and show an increased love unto you.
7) And we give unto you the parable of the prodigal letter writer.
8) A missionary had two friends while he was laboring in the field.
9) One was faithful and wrote every week unto the missionary.
10) Meanwhile the other friends spent his stamp money on riotous living and wrote no letters.
11) But after twenty and three and a half months he felt deep sorrow and did write a letter unto the missionary.
12) Who when he received it did go and kill the fatted macaroni and cheese box and did feast, for he was merry.
13) For it was meet that he should make marry, for the letter writer which was lost was now found.

Chapter 7:
1) Unto you is given some stationary, and some paper, and some envelopes, and some pens and some pencils.
2) For the writing of the letters, for the cheering up of the missionary, for the improving of your English skills.
3) Till the missionary returns home, till we all come to be gathered together again in the bond of friendship.
4) To everything there is a season and a a time and a purpose.
5) A time to contemplate writing and a time to write.
6) A time to put letters in the envelopes and a time to stamp the envelopes.
7) A time to mail the letters and a time to start the process over again.
8) Now we beseech you brethren concerning the coming home of our missionary and the gathering together to  meet him.
9) That you be not soon shaken in mind, nor troubled, neither by word nor by any letters from us that the return of the missionary is at hand;
10) Let no one deceive you by any means, for that day shall not come unless there first be an abundance of letters; and the man of mail be revealed a true friend.

Chapter 8:
1) And the missionary said unto his friend, Lovest thou me?
2) And the friend said, Of course I love thee! Then the missionary said, Feed my mailbox.
3) He saith a second time, Lovest thou me? And his friend saith, Thou knowest I love thee.  he the said, Feed my mailbox.
4) He then spake a third time saying, Lovest thou me? And the friend said, Thou knowest all things and thou knowest that I love thee.
5) Then the missionary said, STUFFEST MY MAILBOX!
6) And the vision is become unto all as the words of a letter which is sealed in an envelope that men deliver to one who is  not serving a mission saying read this I pray thee.  And he saith: I cannot, for it is not mine.
7) And the letter is delivered to him that is serving a mission saying, read this I pray thee.  And he answereth, Why sure!
8) Therefore you should proceed to do a marvelous work among a missionary, even a marvelous work and a wonder by writing a letter.

Chapter 9:
1) And the word of the missionary came unto his friend saying, Moreover thou friend of mine, take thee one piece of paper and write upon it for the missionary, and his companions, and the house of the Iowa Des Moines Mission.
2) And then take thee and envelope and write upon it for a missionary and for his companions, and for the house of the Iowa Des Moines Mission.
3) And join them one to another into a letter, and they shall become one in the hand of the mailman.
4) For what doth it profit a man if he say he hath thoughts, but write not a letter?  Can thoughts save him?
5) If a brother or sister have a birthday,
6) And he say unto them, Happy Birthday! Notwithstanding you give them not a cake with candles, what doth it profit?
7) Even so, thoughts without letters are dead, being alone.
8) But if we say we have no thoughts, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.
9) Therefore, since ye have thoughts, write ye letters.

Chapter 10:
1) And now we wish to tell you the story of the anti-letter writer.
2) And there dwelt in the land at the time a certain anti-letter writer who went about convincing the people that there was no need to write letters.
3) Indeed so persuasive were his arguments that many people did cease to write letters to missionaries.
4) Then a returned missionary did confront the anti-letter writer and didst dispute the arguments.
5) Then it came to pass that the anti-letter writer did ask for a sign that letters should be sent: then he would believe.
6) Then the returned missionary said, As surely as letters are to be sent, thou shouldst be struck down.
7) And then at that moment, the anti-letter writer was run over by a mail truck and was dragged even unto the post office, where he was subsequently mailed to Zimbabwe.
8) And thus we see the end of him who perverteth the ways of the mail; and thus we see that the mailman does speedily drag them down to the Post Office.
9) Now when the general public saw this they were pricked in their hearts, and said, Men and brethren, what shall we do?
10) Then the returned missionary said unto them, Repent every one of you and write then letters unto each missionary, that he may forgive thee of they thoughtless state.
11) So now we leave you.  Be of good cheer; remember this last vision.
12) For I saw the dead small and great stand before the judgment bar, and another book was opened which was the book of letters; and the dead were judged by the letters, or lack thereof, that they had written to the missionaries.
13) So now we ask, what manor of men ought ye to be? Verily, you ought to be LETTER WRITERS!