Little known to the body of the church, during the summer of 1990, a hitchhiker traveling across the
southwest desert made a marvelous discovery while searching for a place to bed down in a cave. Unable
to sleep, the hitchhiker began picking at a crack in the floor of the cave, and to his dismay, found nothing
less than a lid to a stone box. Upon removing the lid, he discovered a set of aluminum plates, a
switchblade knife, and a pair of fuzzy dice.
In his desperation for food, the hitchhiker sold the plates to an archaeologist from BYU, whom he met at a
Kentucky Fried Chicken in Shiprock, New Mexico. The relics were reportedly sold for $100 and a bucket
of the Colonel’s extra crispy with extra coleslaw and mashed potatoes. Archaeologists have determined that the plates date from approximately 600 BC and contain writings in reformed Egyptian, which seem to parallel the narrative account of the Book of Mormon. It is thought that the engravings were written by several men, or by one slightly schizophrenic man. The church has delayed comment until the plates can be fully translated. But we are proud to present this premier look at the translated portions of these plates.
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Dear Diary,
I, Lemuel, having been born of
nagging parents, therefore, I have been harassed much of my life. Not only
by my parents, but also by my younger brother Nephi, and my older brother
Laman, with whom I get along best. There. Now maybe my parents will get off
my back about keeping a record.
Lem
Dear Diary,
It has finally happened! My
father is a lunatic. He has decided that he "feels" we should leave the big
city and head into the wilderness. God only knows where. He started talking
about leaving after he came home from yelling at people to repent. He said
they threw rocks at him. I think one must have beaned him on the noggin. He
then went and laid on his bed for about 12 hours straight. I thought he was
in a coma.
Lem
Dear Diary,
It looks like dad is serious about the leaving thing. He says that he had a dream in which God told him to leave Jerusalem. I guess it couldn't have had anything to do with the staccoli he ate before he went to bed. I always have bad dreams like that if I eat pizza before I sleep. Laman and I are resisting, but
it looks like we have to go too. We don't really have to, I guess, but if we
don't, how will we eat? Dad
is loaded with gold, which we can't take into the wilderness because it's
too heavy. Of course, that mama's boy Nephi is eager to go. He makes me
sick. I think I'll hurl my lunch if I see him again today.
Lem
Dear Diary,
We have been living in a tent
for three days now. My neck hurts from lying on the ground. It must show
because Dad and Nephi keep commenting on my stiffneckedness. There are
mosquitos everywhere and I have blisters on my feet. Today Dad said, "O that
thou mightest be like unto this valley, firm and steadfast, and immoveable
in keeping the commandments of the Lord blah, blah, blah." Whatever.
Constant nagging. He never lets up and Nephi isn't much better. Have to go
now.
Lem
Dear Diary,
I didn't write that last entry.
Laman must have gotten a hold of the plates. Sometimes he's a real jerk. I
wish there was a way to erase engravings. Maybe the jeweler can fix it. Dad
says we have to go back to town and get some brass plates from Laban. Sure,
like Laban's going to say, "Here, take them. Maybe you want my coat, too?
You want I should die of pneumonia? Then you'll be happy." He hit me once
when we were younger because I spit on him. I'm not going!
Lem
Dear Diary,
Just back from the city. It was
all right. The walk back was murder. Laman was picked to talk to Laban. He
went over and got drunk with him. The he hit on one of his woman so Laban
pummeled him bloody. After that, we went back home and got our gold and
tried to buy the plates from Laban, but his gang chased us away and stole
our stuff. Laman was furious. I thought the vein on his forehead would blow up. He got a stick and we beat Nephi and Sammy with it until we got tired. Finally, Nephi found Laban by a wall.
He was hammered, so Nephi chopped off his head and took the plates.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Now Dad wants us to go back
home and get Ishmael and his family. He probably wants us to marry his
daughters. He's got about a million kids. I guess I don't mind so much about
going back to Jerusalem this time. Some of Ish's daughters have nice bods but nothing upstairs. But hey, what more could a man want? I'll write more when we get back.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Just got back. Ishmael's
daughters are better looking than I remembered. But there's one that's
really ugly. She's hanging on Laman like a bad suit. Nephi's been on our
backs the whole time. He keeps telling me to repent. Sheeesh! It's not like
I'm Cain or something.
Lem
Dear Diary,
I've had it out here. I'm no
camper. I've had diarrhea for the last two months. I haven't been writing
much lately because things have been really hard. Now the old man's got a
ball he stares into for about 8 hours a day. He says it tells him what to
do. I'm going to bed. Mom's pregnant, I think. Either that or she has a
tumor. I think she's too old to have a baby.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Mom was pregnant. She had a
boy. Named him Joe. We all have families now and most of us have at
least one kid. I have two -- Frank and Jessie. They're terrors, but I guess
they'll grow out of it. I've got to write more often, but I always put it
off. I don't know why, but my wife is getting really buff. I'm worried about
it because she's almost gotten bigger than me. Laman's wife is huge. She's
stronger than eight cows. But then, I always told Laman he had an eight cow
wife.
Lem
Dear Diary,
O, yeah! Would that there was a
good Deli in the wilderness! I'm craving some bagels and lox, maybe pastrami
on rye. Nephi says God told him to build a boat. He's never even seen a
boat. Jerusalem's land locked. I've never seen more than a glass of water at
one time, let alone the ocean, and Nephi thinks he's Noah all of a sudden.
He can't even shoot a bow. He broke his last week. We went a day without
food because of it, but Nephi probably called it a fast.
Lem
Dear Diary,
Laman just gave me a tattoo. It
really hurts. He rubbed salt in it before I could stop him. He said it makes
it feel better. It hurts like the dickens. I don't know why I let him do it.
He can talk me into just about anything. I can't believe it's been eight
years since we left home and here we are on a beach with a ship that
probably won't even float. Mom had another baby called him Jacob. I can
already tell he's going to be nothing but trouble.
Lem
Dear Diary,
I'm really seasick. We've been
having a party here on the ship Nephi made. It works pretty good. We've been
floating around for about two weeks now. We tied Nephi up yesterday because
he's so stiff. Laman got really mad at him when he was drunk. It's been
stormy a lot. If it gets much worse we might sink. Everybody says God is
punishing us with the storm and that we should untie Nephi. Right! But maybe
we'll untie him after Family Home Evening.
Lem
Lem
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